Catholic Sensibility

On Retreats A friend e-mailed "I'm specifically wondering if you go on retreat with a purpose in mind (e.g., to discern something, to concentrate on a certain aspect of your life, etc.), or with a blank slate to let the Lord write whatever he wants." Br Anthony, the guestmaster at Genesee Abbey told us in college the best attitude to bring to retreat was openness, and not make a habit of bringing an agenda for God to settle for you. At times, I've made retreats at crucial points in my life: as I finished my degree, just after we adopted a daughter, after a serious surgery, etc.. I think those events have been part of my retreat experiences, but I've avoided spending six or eight days praying exclusively for what weighed most heavily on my mind. That said, over the years, a certain pattern has evolved that I look forward to. I tend to catch up on sleep for the first day or two. Every director I've had encourages this. I tend to go to just about every liturgy, especially if I'm retreating with a religious community. I also find that about 2/3rds of the way through, there is one or perhaps two restless nights when the prayer, the distractions, the discomfort reach a climax. By the morning of the last full day, sometimes there is an insight. Sometimes just a sense of relief that the night is finally over. I didn't have a completely blank slate this year. I had hoped to find a spiritual director, which I did. I wanted to go to confession, and wouldn't you know: the monks had their own directed retreat that week including a penance service the last night of my stay. My director put me on a somewhat loose, but intentioned path for prayer. My restlessness was spread out, though, and I found I was still catching up on sleep the weekend after I got home. This was a theme that surfaced often with my last spiritual director: my sense of dissatisfaction. It came to the fore very strongly again last week. Fr Adam reminded me we are all pilgrims in this life. Satisfaction is not the sustaining factor for those who are of Christ. Dissatisfaction is my dangerous virtue. Dangerous, for it is easy to allow it to bleed over negatively in my attitudes and relationships. Virtuous, because it can prevent me from being completely at home in the world. Even this week, I wonder about reconciling the satisfied and sedate (owning a home, parenting a child, paying off debts, settling into a community for a number of years, my various hobbies and diversions, etc.) with the dissatisfied (the Church not reforming fast enough, the debts not getting paid quickly enough, my prayer life not intensifying, etc.) and finding a "balance." Fr Adam would suggest, however, that balance is not a proper position. Balance suggests all is well. A person should have something in life not quite in balance, for balance implies more satisfaction. So my post-retreat life will focus on dissatisfaction and imbalance, and integrating these items, especially the latter, more into my daily prayer and action.